Why I got my son NOTHING for Christmas

He'll never know!

Published

We’ve done it. We have made it through Christmas. It’s over. Any rows with the family are done and can be left to fester for just shy of 12 months.

No more cards, no more crackers, and only 15 days of eating turkey left.

We don’t have to listen to any Christmas songs now. Wizzard’s I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday. At the end the choir sings “When the snowman brings the snow.” That’s not how snow works. You need to have snow to make the snowman. The snowman doesn’t bring snow. It’s not like the milkman.

But the biggest problem with that song is the main premise. You don’t wish it could be Christmas everyday. That would mean you’d have to give people gifts everyday but there’d never be a day when the shops are open. That sounds more like a festive stress dream.

Steve N Allen on Dan Wootton Tonight
Steve N Allen on Dan Wootton Tonight

Do you think our obsession with gifts has taken the edge off Christmas? As a new father many people have asked me, “What did you get your little lad for his first Christmas?” Nothing. He’s nine months old. He’ll never know. Unless he watches this back.

There’s no way he’s understand any of it. The best we could hope for is that he thinks it’s annoying that I wrapped a toy he wants to play with.

He doesn’t have object permanence at that age. When he can’t see something he doesn’t understand that it still exists. So every time you hand him a toy he can’t be sure it’s not a new one. For him, everyday is Christmas.

I know where buying gifts for young children comes from in the Christmas story, but I still think a newborn doesn’t need any gold, frankincense, or myrrh. I’m a fully grown man and my myrrh use is still low.

Buying expensive gifts for a young child isn’t about the child. It’s about status. Bragging rights to look good in the WhatsApp groups about all you did. Meanwhile all your baby wants for Christmas is you. That’s another annoying song. There’s no way that’s all you want for Christmas, Mariah. We’ve heard your list of demands for your rider whenever you do a gig. If you require fresh puppies for your dressing room you’ll be a nightmare at Christmas.

I didn’t even do the cliché of dressing him up as a Christmas pudding. In fact, let’s say that’s my gift to him. Thanks to my inner Ebenezer there are now no photos of my little lad dressed as Christmas food for him to be embarrassed about when he’s a teen. You’re welcome.

Am I being a bit tight? I am in comparison to the mum who was in the news for spending thousands on more than 40 gifts for her two children, one aged 3 and the other one 17 months.

What a great way to help those children grow up to be entitled materialists who’ll definitely be a nightmare to date.

I guarantee you, in the future you could ask these kids if they remembered the year their mum got then a haul of toys so big it looked like she probably had compromising photos of Santa, and they won’t remember.

To be fair, some of the toys included a mini vacuum and a broom and mop set, so maybe they’re hoping these toys will offset the need for a cleaner.

Steve N Allen on Dan Wootton Tonight
Steve N Allen on Dan Wootton Tonight

How did we know about this grotto’s worth of gifts? Because she put it on Facebook. Oh, of course. It’s all about showing how good you are to your circle of friends, not to you children. Just get yourself a stock image of lots of toys, post that, and spend some quality time with your family. You’ll have the same effect.

You don’t see me bragging about what I did at Christmas on social media. No, I do it the old-fashioned way and talk about it on TV.

It’s strange that we’re lugging this obsession with money and stuff with us as we head into this cost-of-living crisis. I’ve tried to explain to my son that part of his Christmas gift was having the heating on, but he didn’t seem too impressed.

He didn’t have zero gifts because other relatives aren’t like me. He had presents to open on Christmas Day, but he couldn’t, because he’s 9 months! His little fingers couldn’t get through the sellotape. And apparently, I wasn’t allowed to hand him a knife to help. How am I meant to be a good Dad if my hands are tied?

But seriously, buying expensive gifts for babies is a total waste. The child doesn’t care and all you do it make the shops busier for all of the parents of older children who can’t escape the shopping hell.

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