If Sadiq Khan can’t get you out, he will price you out, all for your own good, says Laurence Fox

Laurence Fox
Laurence Fox

Vehicular insurrectionists will now have to pay an extra £12.50 if they made the mistake of living within the M25


Whilst it may not bode well for the ratings that show Number one kicks off at the exact same time as the English ball chasers are kneeling in supplication to something Saint Gareth of the waistcoat calls “inclusivity”, it at least gives me a reason to share my time with you, rather than sitting through their silly, hypocritical virtue signalling.

I reckon it would be better if they did the Haka or something? But then that would be cultural appropriation. Which is bad apparently.

In the days before the ball chasers became political activists, I was a passionate England fan, watching Italia 90, emotions fired by "Nessun dorma" blaring out of the tele box, lying sweatily on the sofa in the throws of glandular fever as Gary Lineker - pre-canonisation - slid the ball elegantly past Pat Bonner into the net.

I can remember like it was yesterday the strange look which came over his face, a look of bewilderment, of joy, or as it turned out, the look of a man who had just followed through. Sadly, Saint Gary has followed through pretty much non stop since then.

I remember the 4 - 1 against Holland in euro 96, the 5 - 1 drubbing of the Germans in Germany. Football tournaments were the greatest biennial gift to the nation. Bringing us all together, right up until any penalty shoot out, when it was mostly game over. But one thing football wasn’t particularly back then, was hugely political.

But more recently things began to change. I found myself cheering every Italian penalty in the last euros as the England penalty takers, their minds no doubt subsumed with colonial guilt, having begun the game kneeling to the housing corporation formerly known as Black Lives Matter, played a game of who could take the worst penalty.

Perhaps we let the Italians win out of a strong sense of this "inclusivity” Saint Gareth of the Southgate harps on about.

The stunning bravery of this modern England team never ceases to humble and amaze me. Special mention to Saint Harry of the Kane for his revolutionary demonstration of solidarity with the Gay community of Qatar

for wearing this gorgeous £520,000 symbol of resistance and defiance. Only Lewis Hamilton's Rainbow helmet in Bahrain has ever moved me closer to tears.

Finally, we will be discussing Sadiq Turpin's cunning ruse to make sure you can never afford to drive again.

The great unwashed, who refuse to do what they are told and continue to exercise dangerous levels of independent thought by choosing to drive their own cars, instead of taking public transport, walking or cycling in the rain to work, are clogging up the roads in their disgusting white vans, adding vital extra journey time to Sadiq Turpins multi range rover convoy, as he tweets sagely about the climate emergency soon to be wrought by the sun monster if we do not decolonise our cars.

Vehicular insurrectionists will now have to pay an extra £12.50 if they made the mistake of living within the M25. That’s before the congestion charge and impossibly unnavigable low traffic neighbourhoods. Taxation in the name of salvation.

If Sadiq can’t get you out, he will price you out. All for your own good.

But don’t worry, there is some good news. I’m back and I am going to be very well behaved indeed. At least that’s what I told them when they offered me the show.